Happy New Year! It's 2020, bay-beeee! Okay, cool, we're starting a new decade and a new year, so that means any resolutions should be that much more important and INTENSE, right?
Well, I used to be such a sucker for New Year Resolutions, or NYRs as I like to call them. It was always tempting to have a fresh start and a goal to shoot for, and ever since I was a kid, I remember being asked what my NYR was. I felt pressured to pick one that would better who I was as a person, or one that I thought society expected of me. As soon as I became diet-obsessed, every NYR was focused on losing weight and/or doing something to change my body. As I got older, I wouldn't tell others my diet-related NYR, like it was some kind of dirty secret. And then, I wouldn't achieve my NYR, and I'd feel like such a failure.
Yet, every New Year's, I'd still pick a resolution centered on becoming thinner. Maybe, I'd think, I need try this diet, and/or this special new workout. Once Pinterest was a thing, I'd search for hours for workout plans, meals, and so forth, pinning the ones I believed might be the secret to unlocking my slimmer body.
Maybe for the first couple of weeks I'd stick to whatever it was I was trying. If I was "successful," it would encourage me to keep going. Inevitably though, I'd run into a wall where I wouldn't be losing any weight, or I'd get so tired of feeling hungry all the time and then I'd binge eat, or I'd be doing everything "right," and still keep gaining weight. This would lead to a lot of frustration and eventually I'd give up. Then, I'd see my weight go up again, or I wouldn't be able to fit into a certain outfit, or I'd be around others who were dieting/exercising and having success, or I'd be triggered in some kind of way about my weight--and the cycle would start up all over again. I would shame myself for not keeping up with my NYR, and I'd try to accomplish my goal again. This would continue ALL YEAR until New Year's came up again, I'd feel terrible for not making any progress, and I'd tweak my NYR in the hopes that maybe this time I found the right combination of things to do so I would actually stick to it this time.
I would always blame myself for not achieving my NYR. I just wasn't committed enough. If I just stuck with it, if I just kept going, it would work. Never did I think that maybe making a NYR was the actual problem.
I don't think there is a problem with having goals and trying to improve yourself. I do think it's a problem when you are doing it to try to fit into the tiny, unrealistic box that society made for you. When you do it for that reason, it's not coming from a place of love, but rather from a place of self-hatred.
So, do I have an NYR this year? I'd be lying if I told you I haven't stepped on my scale every single day of 2020 hoping for a lower number, and I've felt terrible every single time. It's hard to quit something you've been doing for most of your life. However, I am going to continue my on-going goal of moving away from fatphobic beliefs and actions and more towards body-inclusivity and self-love. And this goal feels so much more exciting and supportive than any weight-loss related NYR I've ever had. I recommend that you write down all your NYRs that existed only to set you up for failure and frustration and throw them in the trash, never to be seen again. Or, better yet, burn them. Watch those toxic behaviors catch on fire and turn into ash and smoke. Release those painful patterns so you can be free to make choices in 2020 that make you feel whole as a person. You deserve it.
This was a dashboard in my Happy Planner, and I think it's the perfect message for me this year.