I was inspired to write this from an Instagram post about counting almonds, and it occurred to me that I've spent a big part of my life counting food in order to decide if I had earned the right to eat. I've been through countless diets and weight loss routines since about 5th grade, and I'm 32 now. Many of them warned against the dangers of eating "too many" nuts. They are high in calories! High in fat! Eat 15 of them to feel full, but any more and you'll be in danger of gaining weight.
15 almonds = the miraculous answer to your hungry prayers
16 almonds = CONGRATS YOUR HIPS HAVE NOW DOUBLED IN SIZE
I've spent a lot of time meticulously counting nuts and figuring out how many calories or points I could spare on an almond or a cashew. I made sure to get plain raw nuts so they wouldn't have extra salt or any sugar or honey on them. Honey roasted peanuts were basically the devil because they were not only "high" in calories, but they were also "high" in sugar. I told myself they were bad, and I couldn't eat them even though they were delicious. I even did research on the healthiest nut to eat, "healthiest" meaning lowest in calories. So, I made sure to eat my allowed number of nuts, hoping that they would make me feel full. Did they? I mean, for a short period of time. Did I enjoy it? Not really--have you ever eaten a raw almond? It's like eating chewy wood. No judgement to those that like that kind of thing, but I'm not the biggest fan.
I wish I could collect all the time I spent counting nuts so I could use it for things I enjoy, like doing DIY projects, hanging out with friends, or going on a hike. I counted nuts because I believed that if I stuck to the right amount, I'd get closer to the body I wanted. I believed that it would make me not want to eat, and that it would calm my obsessive mind (I couldn't stop thinking about food because I was hungry all the time). I also believed that I was eating the so-called correct way, and I felt less shame about my food consumption. However, I still felt some shame about eating 15 almonds because it was a snack, and I wanted to have the kind of discipline where I wouldn't even want to have a snack--as if snacking was shameful. I always felt disappointed because not long after I ate my snack, I was hungry again. I assumed there must be something wrong with me if I was hungry that quickly after eating SUCH A HARDY SNACK.
I do think that there is a such thing as eating balanced. Obviously I wouldn't eat one thing all day because my body needs a variety of minerals and nutrients to stay alive and happy. I believe that it is important to pay attention to what makes your body feel good and energized. I don't believe, though, that being afraid to eat a certain food due to the fear instilled by dieting is the way to go. I'm working hard on understanding my complicated relationship to food, and it isn't an easy journey. At least I know that my journey starts with not counting my food.